The 5 questions/comments I hate the most about infertility

February 15, 2008 at 9:35 pm 6 comments

I think all of us who are trying to conceive have a short-list of the most hated things people say to us. Here’s mine:

5. When are you and that man of yours going to get serious and have kids? I know it’s intended as a friendly joke. But really, we’ve made no secret of the fact we want kids. I’m 36 so obviously no spring chicken. Put 2 and 2 together people. I beg of you!

4. Is that you or the hormones talking? This is occasionally uttered after I’ve made a snippy comment or overreacted to something. It’s rare as only people who know we’re in fertility treatment would say it but it does happen. There is no separation between me and the hormones when they’re running rampant through my bloodstream. They might be affecting my emotional stability but they do not have a voice of their own. And besides, even if it’s hormone induced, it’s what I’m feeling at this moment and it sucks. So please don’t write it off as ‘she’s fine, it’s just the hormones’.

3. Do you want kids? This is a tricky one. It really is a very legitimate question and I don’t blame people from asking. Although having dealt with infertility for a few years I don’t think I’d ever ask anyone this question. But my experience gives me unfair advantage. I really don’t think the question is rude, it’s just so damn difficult to answer. I want to scream “Yes! Desperately but we’ve been trying for years with no success”. Usually the person asking this question is not someone I know well and that response would send the person running away making awkward excuses. So my response is something more like “Yes, we’re planning on it” and then change the subject as quickly as possible.

2. Do you feel pregnant. Um, in case you’ve forgotten…I’ve never been pregnant so how the hell would I know what it feels like!?! Especially at 4 days after an IUI.

1. I have this friend/sister-in-law/cousin who got pregnant the minute they stopped trying, you just need to relax. I understand this happens for some people. I also understand that couples who have gone through infertility, and made the decision to adopt, probably do not start using birth control again and therefore this is bound to happen for a certain percentage of people. But it does not happen for everyone and suggesting that my ovaries and tubes are anything but in a blissfully relaxed state just isn’t nice. I might be stressed and yes even tense some of the time but I am not intentionally clenching my womanly parts. Please don’t insinuate that I am.

So that’s my top 5 list of most hated questions/comments. How about you? Anything you particularly hate?

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Entry filed under: Frustrations & Problems, General, Touchy Feely Emotions. Tags: , .

I will never take my good health for granted again Me and My Eggs Just Turned Another Year Older

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. katarinajellybeana  |  February 15, 2008 at 11:23 pm

    The Just Relax crap ALWAYS gets to me.

    My least favorite? The “It would be so nice to have a little baby around…” uttered by parents AND inlaws–with the sigh and wistful look in the distance. Yes. It would be nice. Now why don’t you just hustle on over to an adoption agency and get working on that for yourself.

    OOOH!! And “You can always adopt.” Wait…really??? I can??? I’ve NEVER thought of THAT before!!!!

    🙂

    Been lurking for a bit. Couldn’t resist replying to this….

  • 2. preconceivednotions  |  February 16, 2008 at 8:53 am

    5) I wish I could let people know I was serious. Mostly I am treated with disbelief. Like Iam a FREAK of nature. One lady at Walmart thought I was buying HPT for a wayward kid or something. Every time she sees me now she gives me an odd look

    When i learned I was pregnant in 2006. I t was heard from the grapevine that someone said, “ooooh are they ready?” I thought … Uhmmmmm ready or not???” I was 45. Rarely is ANYONE really ready! Even when a baby is planned IT’s an overwhelming revelation.

    4) OH YES homones. It’s no secret that I am perimenopausal!

    I GET ‘do you REALLY want kids at YOUR AGE? You should be having grandbabies, ” I have one of those. Her name is Eilidh, ( pronounced A-LEE ) Thank you vERY much.”

    3) Like I’ve said before this last time I got pregnant, I thought it was menopause. Everytime is different. Has been for me anyway. But YEAH in rerospect, I FELT pregnant each time.

    2) ohhhhhhh LISA! Yes Lisa! She had her last at 36, Amber, After having 2 kids early20s. Several oops. “Gotta rid myself of this burden” in between. She was FOR A VERY LONG time I live in girlfriend to chuck’s cousin. When Amber came along she was back with the love of her life Reno. A deadbeat who wouldn’t work, etc. Drinking, drugs, jail, etc.

    Wierd.

    As for me, I WAS anything but relaxed when i conceived. I believe mindset has alot to do with it BUTTTTTTTT. really!

    Relax. HAHA. I don’t lnow how anyone would get pregnant if if the key was to RELAX . Uhmmmm. i told hubby who was once married to a lady with 3 kids. How did ya even manage sex? We have paper thin walls here with a guest just on the other side of our bedroom wall. IT stifles me. That so sucks. Relax???

    Wanted to add, last night we snuck out to eat, And there was adorable little girl sitting behind us. Dad was older. Mom was too! But wellkept. I was like “There’s a baby conceived with a little extra help I bet. ”

    I notice this stuff more and more!

  • 3. stefanie  |  February 17, 2008 at 3:26 pm

    What peeves me, is when I am trying to tell a friend how hard it has been (we’re allowed that, right?), and suddenly they start talking about positive thinking. Maybe I should try not talking about INfertility and start imagining myself with a baby. (uh, you think I haven’t done that?? ) I did it like crazy when I was pregnant for three months and it didn’t stop the miscarriage! As if there is no biology involved and I’m just not wishing hard enough.

    I think having goals and faith and a positive outlook are extremely important. But when you just want to talk to a friend about how you are trying to face the reality that you might now have children, and they say you aren’t positive enough…. um, no.

    One friend, a devotee of The Secret said….. You know all those doctors, it’s a business, they have to find something wrong with you. So I said, “You think the people who wrote the secret aren’t making money either?”

  • 4. mahleestone  |  February 18, 2008 at 7:30 pm

    LOL – OMG!! I’m laughing so hard at your response to your friend about the secret Stephanie.

    Welcome katrinajellybeana – glad you said hello. that ‘you can always adopt bugs me too’. i always feel like saying “well thanks for the authorization”.

    I haven’t experienced the comments you have preconceivednotions but i can certainly sympathize. People passing judgment is a huge pet peeve!

  • 5. worldofwinks  |  February 19, 2008 at 11:19 pm

    My favorite of all time. “Why are you doing all of this?”

  • 6. Andrea  |  March 30, 2008 at 2:20 am

    Hello:) Just came across your blog…and thought I would share my ‘favorite’. A very good friend of mine got pregnant the first month they were trying, so when I shared our fertility troubles with her, her response was “You must be doing it wrong, it only took me one try.” I almost hung up on her!

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