Who I Am and Who I Want to Be

February 8, 2008 at 1:57 am 4 comments

Great post over at World of Winks about what type of woman you expected to be versus the woman you’ve actually become. I read it a couple of days ago and it has really made me think about the path my life has taken. The post concludes with this question:

Who is the Woman that You Are, and how is she different from the Woman You Thought You’d Be, The Woman You Were, and The Woman You Want To Be?

In high school I imagined myself as a woman who easily juggled a career, husband, sports, and hobbies. At 23 I married my high school sweetheart and 6 months later got my first real job. I lived in the suburbs each day I took the train into the city and returned in the evening to a loving husband. The only thing different than my original vision was the suits I wore. They were slightly less stylish than what my imagination envisioned.

At that tender age I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids. I was young and selfish and didn’t want anything holding me back. At 28 I faced a harsh reality. I was bored with the job, the commuting, and sadly the husband. He hadn’t changed but I had. I’d achieved everything I’d wanted but couldn’t imagine living my whole life in this hazy bubble of boredom. I had changed jobs a few times and was living in the crazy dot-com heyday. That helped feed my need for change and excitement but it wasn’t enough.

So I split from my husband and moved in with a friend who lived in the city. A few tumultuous years went by and I seeked every adventure and experience I could.

Now, I’m a strong, confident, and independent (at least I think so!) woman. I’ve come to grips with myself and what motivates, stimulates, and excites me. And more importantly, accepted myself for who I am. I have a good job but I’m no power suit. In fact I work from home and usually wear yoga gear for most of the day. And I love it. I’m now married to someone who has the same threshold for change and adventure and loves to travel as much as I do.

And now I desperately want to be a mom. Dealing with infertility has been hard. It feels like I just found my new equilibrium in life and then boom…a new obstacle. On the plus side I feel that dealing with the emotions and challenges of infertility has brought my husband and I very close together. I have learned to lean on him when I’m not strong and it has reinforced just how much our relationship is a true partnership. I hate the pain of infertility but I sure do treasure our relationship.

The woman I want to be is peaceful. I want to be able to deal with whatever life throws at me in a way that doesn’t involve anger. I might not like certain things but I’m going to have to learn some acceptance or it’s going to be a long bitter ordeal.

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Entry filed under: General, Touchy Feely Emotions. Tags: , , , , .

Apologizing to my blog and status update The Ironly Of My Beautiful Discharge

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. stefanie  |  February 8, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    This is why I love your blog. The fact that you seek to find a peaceful way through this is what makes this another tough thing (like divorce and starting over) that will bring greater rewards. You will have a family ( I wish I could tell you when and how) and you will be a better mother for this. The only thing I can say, is that I am on this road too, and I so appreciate your thoughts, and your willingness to become more peaceful and calmer through all of this.

  • 2. mahleestone  |  February 10, 2008 at 8:19 pm

    Thanks Stefanie – I find writing blog posts cathartic and a good reminder to learn what I can during this process. It sure helps connecting with people like you who are on the same road. I appreciate your thoughts and feedback!

  • 3. worldofwinks  |  February 11, 2008 at 2:03 am

    What a great way to get introduced to your blog! I’ll be back!

    Glad the question sparked some thought too. 🙂

  • 4. mahleestone  |  February 11, 2008 at 4:01 am

    Hi worldofwinks – i wanted to do a trackback to your blog but couldn’t find the link. glad you found the post as your question really did make me think about myself and who i am.

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