When to tell family about TTC difficulties

December 4, 2007 at 6:44 pm 3 comments

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much to share with family about our TTC efforts. If we had conceived on our own I would have probably waited the 12 weeks before sharing the good news. When we started going to the fertility clinic and having the initial tests done I told a couple of good friends as I needed to talk about the experiences.

Telling family is different. As they’ll be future aunts, grandparents, cousins, etc. it has a deeper impact on their own personal lives. My friends want the best for me. So does my family but their own personal feelings can’t help but play a role in how they feel. After the initial tests indicated there was no anatomical reason we couldn’t get pregnant I told my parents, but expressed that I didn’t want to talk about it too much. I didn’t want to get to a point where I had to report on the exact follicle size every day during daily monitoring. When I’ve brought it up they’ve been supportive and they’ve refrained from asking me about it each time we get together.

Which brings us to extended family. I know they’d want to be involved and supportive. But I’ve been hesitant about telling them. I think because I don’t like talking about the frustrations and emotions too much. I guess part of me feels that the more people who know the bigger an “issue” it becomes. But it already is a big issue in our lives so that doesn’t really make sense. Maybe it’s the acknowledgment of our difficulties in TTC that is hard. Making it public means more acceptance of the situation.

As time goes on it becomes a difficult discussion to avoid. We’re mid-30’s and most of the family is aware that we want to have kids. So really I’m thinking they already know it’s not working out as we’d hoped.

At this point I’m only really focused on conception. But I know that’s just the first step and anything can happen during the pregnancy. Just the other day I wrote about how much higher my chances of miscarriage are because I have PCOS. Would I want a wide support network to call on if/when something like that should happen? I’m thinking yes. Which means I should share what we’re going through and educate our families on all the TTC information I’ve learned over the last 18 months. I can’t expect their support if they don’t know we need it. Or don’t have any information about what we’ve been going through.

I’m taking the passive route at the moment. If someone brings up the topic of family and babies I tell them what’s happening. This tactic happened because of an aunt who said “you need to get going girl, you’re no spring chicken”. Lovely eh? Although perhaps a little rude she didn’t know it was so hurtful because she doesn’t know what we’re going through. So I told her the basics – we’re trying, it’s not going well, we’re seeing a specialist. She didn’t ask many questions but I’d probably surprised her with the news.

So it continues…I’ll tell anyone who asks but not go out of my way to make it headline news. For now anyway.

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Entry filed under: Frustrations & Problems, General, Touchy Feely Emotions. Tags: , , , , .

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3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. stefanie  |  December 4, 2007 at 8:06 pm

    I was pregnant last summer. week shy of the 12 week mark and at a family reunion. I almost told everyone. Thank GOD I didn’t. I had a miscarriage the next week, and have since been diagnosed with infertility. No one in my family has these problems. so… we are glad that for ONCE i kept my big mouth shut. They wish the best for me, but when people day the wrong thing it hurts more then just being alone with my husband and dealing.

  • 2. preconceivednotions  |  December 5, 2007 at 3:06 am

    I haven’t told my family yet either. When I learned I was pregnant the last time, my oldest sis said. OMG Sherry you better get to the doctors. I think she forgets that I’m not 12 anymore. As if I didn’t know.

    Deb had her last in her mid 30s.

    My mom simply said :where on earth are you going to put a baby?”

    I was living in a 30 ft Travel trailer at the time and was planning an extended trip on our sailboat the Desiderata.

    St\ill others thought I was NUTS. My step mom in partiular was pretty rude about it.

    Rons’ family were all pretty supportive. But he comes from a very large southern family where midlife babies are the norm so we had a support system there.

  • 3. mahleestone  |  December 5, 2007 at 2:34 pm

    @stefanie – sorry to hear about your miscarriage 😦 Hearing someone say something hurtful can be very upsetting so I totally understand what you’re saying about just keeping it b/n you and hubby.

    @preconceivednotions – must be so frustrating that people think your nuts. if only everyone realized we’re all a little nuts in our own special way!!

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