Archive for October, 2007

The wait is over. The results are negative.

On Sunday I went to the clinic for the 2 week post IUI blood test. Later that afternoon, while I was doing dishes, the clinic called to report the result: negative. I have felt my body getting ready to have a period so I wasn’t shocked. But I was, and still am, very sad and frustrated.

No matter how much I feel like I’m getting my period there’s a tiny part of me that holds out hope. I’m disappointed in the result but also frustrated at what I’m putting my body through and questioning the decisions I’ve made up until now and the ones I might have to make in the future.

I’m travelling during the key ovulation time in November so I have to skip this next cycle. Unfortunately it’s a business trip that I just couldn’t get out of. I’m trying to convince myself it’s a good thing to have this break from the hormones and just focus on healthy living.

For the first time since starting TTC, my mind is starting to think long-term. What if this never works? How far do I want to go before considering adoption? How long am I willing to try fertility procedures? And the list goes on…

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October 29, 2007 at 5:58 pm 2 comments

Last few days of waiting for pregnancy test results

I hate this part. The 2 weeks waiting until we can do a pregnancy test and see if the IUI took. I always start off with good intentions. I tell myself that I have no control over the outcome and the best thing I can do is continue with a healthy lifestyle. Eating properly, exercising a little, getting enough sleep, etc. In other words I SHOULD NOT OBSESS!

Of course the reality is different. It’s hard to put thoughts of pregnancy out of my mind. Every time I feel a twinge in my body I wonder if it represents something important. Maybe if my ear turns red it’s because of the pregnancy hormones. Of course I have moments of rational thought and realize the red ear is more likely caused by lengthy conference calls. But as I get to the end of the 2 week timeframe those lucid moments are fewer and further apart.

My new trick this cycle is to squeeze my breasts every morning and see if they’re tender. Really, before putting my bra on I wrap my hand around and give a little squeeze and finish with a pinch of the nipple. What would be considered erotic behaviour on a Friday night is just kinda sad when on my own in the morning. And not surprisingly my breasts are tender. I’ve narrowed it down to 3 possible reasons: I’m pregnant, I’m getting my period, I’ve been squeezing my breasts too much this week. Fascinating test eh?

3 days until I can stop squeezing and go in for a blood test…

October 25, 2007 at 6:09 pm 1 comment

Waiting for Daisy – Must Read!

I just finished reading “Waiting for Daisy” by Peggy Orenstein. From the moment I turned the first page I felt a sense of relief at knowing all my emotions and experiences about infertility are normal. Well normal might be a stretch…experienced by at least one other person is more accurate.

The author does much more than just explaining what it’s like to go through fertility treatments. Her thoughts on motherhood and the ambivalence she feels are raw and honest. She opens her heart and invites the reader along for the ride.

Her journey to motherhood was one helluva path. And yet she manages to inject humour occasionally. Since I started my own journey I’ve tried to keep seeing the humour (often irony) in situations. For example, before we went in for the last IUI I asked my hubby if he was ready for a threesome with the hot doctor. He looked at me strangely but he did smile.

The clinic is a somber place. Lots of happy smiling baby photos on the walls and lots of anxious nervous women waiting for ultrasounds, bloodwork, and visits with the doctor. It’s tough but I have to believe that a warm smile and even the occasional laugh would be good for all of us.

I highly recommend “Waiting for Daisy”, it’s an excellent read. In fact, I’m considering giving it to a few family members to help them understand the experiences and pain I’m going through.

October 25, 2007 at 3:03 am Leave a comment

Celebrity stars and pregnancy

As I stood in line at the drugstore today I noticed the cover of US magazine and its headline screaming “Jennifer Lopez is pregnant”. On my walk home I thought about how hard it must be for celebrities. When your career is based on your bodacious body and good looks it must be easy to push off starting a family.

I sure thought I had all the time in the world and I don’t make a living based on how good my booty looks or how well I can dance and sing. I didn’t start trying to conceive until I was 35 because life got in the way. Small things like marrying my highschool sweetheart at a tender age, divorcing that same sweetheart, finding myself, finding a new sweetheart (who I’m now married to), and a myriad of other things that go along with those major life changes. Add in a career based on your good looks and talent and I can see why so many celebrity moms are well into their 30’s by the time they pop out their first kid.

After all this thinking I arrived home and went to US magazine website to read the story. And there I discovered that Jennifer Lopez is not pregnant, the story is incorrect. So now on top of everything J.Lo. has to deny being pregnant. If she is TTC this must be really tough. Thoughts of fertility are in my head every day. They accompany me wherever I go and whatever I do. I’d hate to have all that private stuff brought out into the open. Guess it’s a good job I’m just a generic office worker!

October 17, 2007 at 10:08 pm Leave a comment

Adding a little romance to our IUI

Day 1 of the IUI fell on a Sunday so my hubby stayed with me for the whole procedure. Last time he had to go to work after giving his sample.

While he was enjoying a raunchy dvd in a comfy leather chair, I had my feet up in stirrups (yet again!) for the ultrasound. After my blood work was done we went for breakfast. Eggs and coffee finished I asked him if he was ready for a threesome with the fine doctor. Ha!

It was nice for me to have him there the whole time. And I think it was good for him to see how the whole thing goes down. As the doc left the room she advised I rest for 10-15 minutes and dimmed the lights. Nothing like a little mood lighting while you’re hoping to conceive your child! But it was nice that we could hold hands and be together while thinking about our child possibly being conceived at that very moment.

October 14, 2007 at 6:32 pm Leave a comment

First HSG shot to help ovulation along

Nothing like a shot in the bum to get the day going! I have 2 nice plump follicles so today I receive the HSG shot and then 2 consecutive days of IUI. This will be our second IUI cycle, first one was without Clomid.

The HSG shot didn’t hurt too much going in but that area sure stung for a couple of days! Like a nasty bruise but without any visible bruising on the skin.

Hopefully the HSG induces ovulation and hubby’s sample gets to meet up with my egg and they decide to play nice. I’d hate to think my egg was traveling down being all picky about the concentrated sperm that we’ve placed so conveniently so she can’t miss it!

October 13, 2007 at 6:19 pm Leave a comment

Ultrasound technician in training

Over the last few weeks a new ultrasound technician has been job shadowing a more experienced colleague. Her job has been to enter the information and then watch as the technician measures and records follicle sizes. Today they switched roles and the newbie yielded the ultrasound wand. The more experienced technician watched every move so I was comfortable that I was getting good care. The downside was the awkwardness of the wand inside me. I have ovaries that tend to hide and the technician often has to push on my belly or push the wand right into the side of my vagina wall to get a good view. The more experienced ones do this with minimal discomfort.

Today it was VERY uncomfortable as the new person poked and prodded me trying to find my evasive ovary. Thankfully the more experienced technician jumped in quickly to finish the job. I’m all for new people learning but it’s tricky when that involves my legs in stirrups and a wand up my business while two people looking intently at my insides!

October 12, 2007 at 7:23 pm 2 comments

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